The End and Back Again
by Dorkfishe97
Summary: Kagome feels crushed when InuYasha lies to her about Kikyo, but then she discovers sometimes you have to lose yourself to be reborn again. A tale of hurt, romance, and self-discovery.
1. Chapter 1

The End and Back Again  
Chapter One

I gaze across the cooling ashes of last night's fire and smile at the lumps littering the hut—the forms of my sleeping friends. Not for the first time, I wish my first three years in the feudal era could have been as happy and easy as the last few weeks have been. The chunk of the jewel seems to pulse its agreement, reminding me that a good majority of that power now rests in the hollow of my neck. For now, we have the upper hand over Naraku, and I cannot describe how freeing that feels. At the moment, everyone rests peacefully and a sense of rightness washes over me.

The days have passed by with a happiness and togetherness that seems almost foreign to my group of friends. This little troupe of shard hunters works better since we traded in the fighting and bickering for peace, calm, and love. With less arguing and more discussion and teamwork, fights go smoother, which in turn means we have more shards in our possession. Everyone seems happier, which makes the burdens of our quest seem a bit lighter. We've moved past simply friends—these people around me have now become as important to me as family.

I learn over and give Shippou, who I've adopted as a son, a kiss on his sleeping forehead. He stirs briefly and mutters his goodbyes before falling back into his slumber. I pick my way across Kaede's hut, stopping at the door to look back on my ragtag family with a smile. The peaceful times like these are the one I want to cherish before the final battle comes.

I step out into the cool light of dawn, inhaling a breath of the crisp air. I look up to the roof of the hut and see that InuYasha isn't there. A couple months ago, this would have caused me to worry, but now I merely smile and start my trek to the well. I know he's probably somewhere around here, and InuYasha will undoubtedly catch up to give me a proper goodbye.

The giddy rush of love stirs within me as I remember the main cause for all of my happiness. Two months ago, on a morning much like this, I woke to find InuYasha gone. I went to the well to look for him and found him having a disagreement with Kikyo. After she left he looked to where I was standing. I walked over to him and sat by his side.

"It's over with me and Kikyo," I remember him saying. I also remember how my heart leapt to my throat in hope.

"Are you okay?" I asked.

He thought for a moment and then looked at me. "Yeah, I feel better than I have since before she was resurrected."

"Oh." I recall not wanting to push him into anything. I just wanted to be there for him as he dealt with this.

"I told her I couldn't do it anymore. I couldn't be with someone so cold and unfeeling when I had—"

I looked at him with big, hopeful eyes, wanting nothing more for him to finish that sentence, even though I knew he never would. So instead, I swallowed my selfish hope and grabbed his hand.

"It's okay, InuYasha. You don't have to talk about anything right now."

Much to my surprise, he brought my hand up to his lips and placed a gentle kiss on each of my knuckles. I don't think I was breathing at all during those few moments.

"But that's where you are wrong, 'Gome. I want to talk about this… with you."

"Okay."

"I told her that I couldn't be with someone so cold and unfeeling when I had you with all your warmth and love in my life. I told her that I picked you," he said gruffly.

All reason seemed to leave my being, and in a moment of pure joy, I launched myself at my friend and kissed him, hard. The kiss was full of passion and heat. My hands tangled in his hair as I straddled his lap. When I noticed that he wasn't returning the kiss, I started to pull away. That's when he growled and returned my gusto. His hands went into my hair and everything just picked up from there. Coincidentally, this is also why I had to explain French kissing to Shippou later that day…

I giggle at the memories as the well pops into view. Standing there beside my passage home is the very hanyou monopolizing my thoughts. He hears my giggle and looks up at me with that smirk I love. I practically skip into his arms and lean up to give him a soft kiss.

"Good morning, InuYasha. Were you out here waiting for me?"

"Just making sure ya got here safe," he grunts, but I still see the smile in his eyes.

"Well, thanks!"

"Get going so that ya can get back here," he said, giving me a hug and pushing me towards the well.

"I'll only be gone for three days, InuYasha. I'll be back before you really know I'm gone!"

"Can't wait until you are done with all these stupid tests," he grumbles as I slide over the lip of the well and blue light surrounds me.

"You just want me all to yourself," I say to the dark well house.

I sigh and start my climb up the side of the well. Coming home used to be a reprieve from all the stress caused by the jewel shards, Naraku, and InuYasha. Now that everything seems to be going great, I find that coming home for tests and leaving my little family seems a bit harder each time. I love my mom, Souta, and grandpa, but I love all the people I have to leave each time I come to this side of the well.

"I'm home!" I holler as I slide open the door and slip off my shoes.

"Kagome! Welcome back, dear!" my mom says as she appears from the kitchen and envelopes me in a warm hug. My arms circle up around her, and I sigh in happiness. "I take it that everything is still going well?" mom concludes after she's looked me over a few times.

"Yes, momma! Everything has been running so smoothly. InuYasha and I aren't fighting anymore and the group works better and faster. And look!" I pull the chain holding the jewel out from under my collar and almost laugh when her eyes go huge.

"It's grown almost double in size since last time I saw you!" she exclaims.

"I know! I told you everything was going smoothly! Mom, I'm almost done with this—with Naraku, demons, danger, the jewel, everything!" I say excitedly.

"That means you and InuYasha can finally settle down in the past, and you can have the life you deserve," she gushes. I just nod.

After InuYasha picked me we came and told my mom. She wanted to know what this meant for me, and he told her that when we mated, I would take on his lifespan. I could live with him in the feudal era all the way up until I was born here in the future. I could have a normal life and not sacrifice my time in either era. Mom seemed to approve of this idea, but really, I know she is more excited to have grandchildren with cute little ears.

"So how long will you be back this time?" she asks after a moment of quiet thought.

"I just need two days for my tests, but I plan to stay three so that I can do some damage control on my grades. I'll probably need that extra day," I sigh.

"That's very responsible of you, now go get to work. I'll bring you up some breakfast in a bit," she shoos me.

I walk up to my room and pull out my books. I'm determined to study and get good grades on this test so that I can graduate high school on time and live with all my friends. I couldn't stand having to go another year of high school!

* * *

"Momma!" I shout excitedly as I burst through the door. "I passed all my tests!"

"I knew you could," she smiles.

"My lowest grade was an eighty-six percent in algebra! I don't have to do any retakes!"

I know the exact reason why I did so well. I actually studied instead of the usual sighing and worrying if InuYasha was with Kikyo or not. I was able to accomplish so much when I didn't feel the constant need to worry.

"That's great, dear. Will you still be staying with us tonight?"

"No, I think I'm just going to take a bath and then go back tonight. We have work to do and I know everyone will be glad that I'm coming home a whole day extra!"

"I'll run your water while you go pack your bag. I'm proud of you, Kagome," she says, giving me a kiss on the head before she heads upstairs to the bathroom to run me a bath.

After packing my bag and soaking in the tub for a good hour, I'm on my way to the well house—back to the past and all the people I love there. The sun is just starting to set, and I'm eager to get back where I know the sunset will look even more dazzling. A few steps and a hop over the well later, I find myself looking up into an orange sky free of pollution and buildings. Smiling, I start climbing out the well.

I sit on the lip for a while and smile as the evening fades into a dim orange dusk. As I realize how long I've been sitting there, I frown. InuYasha should be here already. Normally, he picks up my scent and meets me at the well. I wonder if something bad happened in the village while I was home.

I am about to rush to the village when the glowing of a soul stealer catches my attention. As the phantom like apparition weaves through the trees, I know that Kikyo is near. Funny that I didn't notice the tugging on my heart and soul as I was watching the sunset.

As I follow the soul stealer deeper into the forest, I mask my presence— a handy little trick Kaede taught me. As the pulling on my soul becomes stronger, and I get closer to Kikyo, I start to hear moaning and panting. Thinking that she could be hurt, I quicken my pace to get to her faster, but when Kikyo finally appears through the foliage in front of me, I stop dead in my tracks and my heart feels like it stops beating.

Kikyo isn't alone, and that's why seeing her lying on the ground naked causes me so much pain. Above her is InuYasha, who is also naked and covered in sweat. Any idiot could see what the couple was just doing, and I am no idiot. When they don't look up at me, I'm shocked they can't hear all the noise coming where I'm standing—the sound of my heart breaking roars in my ears.

"InuYasha, this is wrong," says Kikyo, who obviously wasn't very into what just happened.

"Then why did it feel so good?" InuYasha growls as he starts to lean down towards her for a kiss. She just turns her face away and pushes him off her. At this point I'm betting InuYasha was the person who wanted this, not Kikyo.

"I refuse to do this to the girl. It isn't right to play with her heart like this, InuYasha. I refuse to do something so heinous. You were the one that told me I was cold and unfeeling. This is me feeling."

"I don't understand why you suddenly care. You never cared before."

"Before you hadn't told Kagome you chose her!" Kikyo says with authority. "She knew that you were with me! This sneaking and playing around is wrong, and I won't do this anymore."

I start to back away—my shattered heart cannot take any more of what's happening between the lovers in front of me. I know how this ends. He tells me that he wants Kikyo, not me. I am broken hearted, but I will end up staying by his side. I always do.

"What she doesn't know won't kill her," he says, and I can't hold my gasp of pain. He was never going to tell me, and that makes everything so much worse.

Upon hearing my gasp InuYasha's head snaps up and his eyes meet mine. This is when I know nothing will ever be the same.

* * *

A/N: NEW STORY! Guys, I'm seriously so excited about this story. It started out with a bit of dialogue floating through my head, and now I have the full outline. If this goes anything like how I hope, it will be epic. I was so excited about this I even stopped getting ready for prom to upload it! I hope that you all love this!

Go check out Weregirl96. She's new, and already she's got a few stories up!

Leave me some love and let me know what you think!


	2. Chapter 2

**Disclaimer: I do not own InuYasha, but I work very hard to write this and I would appreciate if the story stayed mine. Thank you!**

The End and Back Again  
Chapter Two

I can't bear to look at him and know nothing is the same. He lied to me; he played me. I tear my eyes away from his and do what I do best: I run from InuYasha. I run from him and all of my problems.

"Shit," I hear him mutter as I tear my way back through the foliage. I fuel most of my energy to my legs because I don't want to talk to him; I don't want to see him after he's been with Kikyo.

After a moment I hear rustling behind me as he starts racing to catch me. Still, I don't stop.

"Kagome! Wait!" he yells as he bursts through the trees behind me. "Seriously, Kagome. Stop!" he shouts when I keep running. He grabs my arms to hold me back, and still I struggle against him.

"Kagome. You need to stop!" he commands as he spins me around and pulls me to his shirtless chest. I notice he at least had the decency to put on his pants.

I try to push myself away from him, but he holds me tight. Yesterday I would have reveled in the chance to be this close to him. To feel the smooth muscles under my fingertips and nuzzle into the musky smell of him slowly mingling with his sweat. But not now—not when I'm crying and panting. Not when the memory of him and Kikyo is so fresh.

"InuYasha, let me go." I choke on the words as they tumble from my mouth, but he seems to understand me anyway.

"Will you stop running and let me talk?" he demands. I don't give him the satisfaction of an answer, but he lets me go anyway.

We part and I examine him. His skin is red from running and a hickey rests on his collarbone. I know for sure that I didn't give it to him. Still, he has the audacity to look sad and forlorn. He won't meet my eyes, and for some reason that really pisses me off.

A hot rage courses through my system and I step forward. He looks at me, the question clear in his eyes. My hand comes up, and I slap him as hard as I can. The impact rings out through the forest, startling several birds with the violent echo. As he turns shocked eyes back to me, a red handprint blooms across his face; I find myself wanting to repeat the action.

"I guess I deserved that," he mumbles after a moment.

"So you pick now to be mature? Oh great, InuYasha! It's great to know that you have finally decided to grow up and act like a man. When did you decide to do that, huh? Could it be the moment you were plowing into Kikyo? Did it make you feel like a real man?" I bite out sarcastically.

"Kagome—" he starts, but I cut him off with a hand in the air.

"No, InuYasha! I'm hurt and I don't really want to hear anything you have to say. You said that you picked me! You promised me that we would be together—that we would finally be mates. You told my mom that it was more binding than any human marriage. You promised me you would be with me forever. You promised—" I choke on the words and start crying a bit. "So much for love, right?" I chuckle sarcastically.

"Kagome, I'm sorry."

"No you're not. You wouldn't have done that with Kikyo in the first place if you had any sort of human emotions. Just let me know what the hell was going through your head."

"You weren't supposed to get back until tomorrow," he mumbles.

"So that is the only thing you regret. I wasn't supposed to be back. Were you just going to keep me in the dark about this? You can't have it both ways, InuYasha. You have to pick: me or her. I cannot keep pulling myself apart so that you can be happy. Just choose."

"Kagome, I love both of you."

"No, if you loved me you wouldn't keep putting me through this. You don't keep hurting the people you love. Who do you really love, because I can't keep doing this back and forth thing."

"Kagome, don't make me do this," he whispers softly.

"No, InuYasha. Just pick."

"Kagome, you know I love you."

"So you pick me?" My voice sounds cold, even to my ears, but I don't care. All I care about is the hot anger rolling through me.

"I pick Kikyo."

All the air leaves my body and bursts of pain dance across my being. With each throb of pain, I see flashes of light across my eyes. I don't know how I will come out of this, and I don't know if I want to.

"Why," I gasp, willing my lungs to function. I lean against a tree, suddenly dizzy as I wait for his answer.

"Kikyo came to me the day after we went and told your mom. A week had passed since the fight, and she wanted to try again. She wanted to be better, be the woman she used to be. She's really been trying, Kags. She's changing."

"Good for her, but clearly you're changing too. The InuYasha I knew from before would never hurt me like this. He wouldn't lie, and he wouldn't cheat. The man I loved died when you lost the bit of honor you had."

"I'm still me," he shakes his head with a whisper.

"No InuYasha, you're not. If you were, I would feel something towards you right now. Love, anger, pain, something. Instead I'm empty. The man I loved, my closest friend, is dead, and I am empty."

"Kagome, don't talk like that. This isn't like you." I hear the panic creeping into his voice. The concern for me that glows in his eyes just makes the emptiness inside me ring in its hollowness.

"Maybe I died too. That's why you picked Kikyo. I'm the dead miko now," I give a cold, lifeless laugh.

InuYasha reaches towards me, and I slap him away. I feel my miko powers flare up around me and watch as InuYasha takes a step back.

"Don't you touch me. You lost the right." I back a few steps away from him, watching as his eyes follow the movements.

"You can't leave, Kagome. You're worrying me."

"It's useless to worry about me. I'm already gone. Don't follow me."

I turn away and start tearing through the woods just as the flood of tears starts falling. I don't want InuYasha to see me cry. I don't want him to try and comfort me. I don't want him to try and make this better. He can't make this better. But at the same time, what I want most is for him to come crashing after me.

I meant what I told InuYasha earlier—I feel empty. Hollow. But in all those empty spaces pain reverberates, gaining volume as my body seems to vibrate with the hurt.

He chose her over me. InuYasha chose Kikyo over me. In the beginning I expected him to choose her. I always thought he would end up with her. Then he picked me—he told my mom that he picked me. I had a taste of that happiness, and with that taste, I became addicted. He just ripped that away from me and now I can't function. I was full of his love and now I'm empty.

But when he took his love back, he didn't just rip that away from me. He ripped out all of my insides—my heart, my lungs, my everything. Now instead of Kikyo being the lifeless shell, I'm the one that is empty.

I don't even have a purpose here. InuYasha and the group just needed me to find the shards, but now Kikyo can take my place. Obviously, she's the better miko. InuYasha wouldn't have to protect her so the fights would go smoothly. Shippou could use a strong mother, not a weak shell, and Sango could have a better sister. Hell, Kikyo is prettier than me, so Miroku would probably be in heaven.

I don't have a place here anymore. I'm not needed. I could go home.

But what does home hold for me anymore?

I gave up my life there so I could be with InuYasha. I gave up my life a long time ago so that I could come here and clean up the mess I made with the shards. All that's left is a tattered life I ruined to stay by InuYasha's side. That's all that's left for me anywhere.

As I keep running, I relish in the bitter pain that now courses through me. The numbness brought on by the pain fills my hollow spaces. I'm no longer empty—I just don't feel anything on the inside. Even the branches that slap me as I pass and the thorns that tear into my skin have nothing on the numbness I feel. I might as well cease to exist.

My line of thought flickers something inside me. Only Kikyo and InuYasha know that I'm here. I'm not supposed to be back until tomorrow anyway. Momma wouldn't be expecting me for a long time, and my friends have no idea that I'm even in this era. Something inside me knows InuYasha probably won't tell them.

So what if I never came back? With Kikyo here to take my place, my friends wouldn't even miss me. They probably wouldn't even notice my absence or care that they hadn't seen me in a while. I could keep running and running until my legs gave out and my lungs burst from the pain. I could keep running until this river of tears ran dry. I could keep running until I became nothing. I already feel numb, so I'm halfway there.

I can keep running until I cease to exist.

No one knows I'm here, and no one will stop me. They have Kikyo. InuYasha has Kikyo.

So I keep running. I run until the forest opens up in front of me and the ground becomes more level. I can't stop as I feel the dirt crumble beneath my feet, and I start falling off the edge of the cliff I hadn't noticed.

* * *

Original Posting Date: June 30, 2015

Word Count: 1739

A/N: Very short chapter, but a lot happens! I'm really happy with how this turned out, and I hope that you are too! Leave me a review and let me know what you think! I try to respond to every one of them!

Also this is **VERY IMPORTANT.** I am looking for an editor. I need someone that will tell me what I've done wrong instead of simply correct my goofs. My whole aim is to improve, and I can't do that if I don't know what I'm doing wrong. If you are interested, please message me and let me know. I have a lot of stories that need a lot of love :)


	3. Chapter 3

The End and Back Again  
Chapter Three

I scream and my hand automatically shoots out to grab something to stop my descent. My shoulder screams as my clawing hand finds purchase on a young sapling, and my body yanks to a sudden stop. Ignoring the pain now steadily radiating from my right arm, I haul myself over the steep edge and back to solid ground.

I flop to the earth, panting and sweaty. I don't know if my limbs feel so heavy from my running or from hauling my bodyweight over the edge of a cliff—either way, I don't really care. I have no desire to move away from the sudden drop only inches from me; I could lie here forever at the edge of this cliff and tempt death.

Dirt, rocks, and bits of grass press painfully against the right side of my face, and my right arm and shoulder throb sorely. I ignore the physical pain as I gaze across the lake in front and below me. The grey waters churn in the slight breeze that catches wisps of my hair. Seemingly formed in a bowl, the rough walls of earth and stone shoot towards the sky from the edges of the water. Jagged crops of rock sprout up along the shoreline, and pushing myself into a seated position, I peer over the edge and confirm that jagged rocks line the edge of the lake below me.

The greys waters lapping at the rocks paint a calm picture that greatly contrasts the violent anger stirring within me. A part of me wants to punch something and scream injustices to the sky. A part of me churns with a tumult of emotions needing to break free. Another part of me feels sad for the opportunities lost, the hearts shattered, and the promises broken today. The biggest part of me, however, is numb.

Right now I feel as if I am splitting at the seams. The anger and sadness are emotions of two different Kagomes that have broken away from me. They are me, but we are not the same. The different Kagomes both stand beside me and compete to tell me how I should feel. I can hear their words, but they do not reach me. I am displaced, and I don't think anything will reach me at this point.

I stare at the rocks below as the sad Kagome vocalizes her unhappiness with InuYasha. If he had kept it in his pants, we wouldn't be here in the first place. We wouldn't be in pieces and still falling apart as we mourn his loss. If he hadn't lied, we would not have ran here. If he wouldn't have lied, we wouldn't have cared. We could be happy with staying by his side if he had just told the truth.

A louder Kagome is angry. She screams her anger at InuYasha for selfishly thinking he can have two mikos. She's angry he couldn't just be satisfied with one of us and finally choose. She's angry he's the one that seemed sad—even when he still has someone to go and love at the end of the day. She's angry at him for breaking the strong woman we used to be and reducing us to this ruined mess.

Soon her anger turns to Fate. If Fate hadn't screwed us over, we would be happy right now. Why did we have to fall down the stupid well in the first place to meet InuYasha? Why did the jewel have to come from our body? Why did we have to shatter the stupid thing and then become so involved with everyone as we searched for the shards? Were we always destined to meet InuYasha? Was he always destined to break us? Were we always destined to end up right here, broken-hearted and staring emptiness right in the face?

The angry Kagome turns her face within, choosing to be angry with us. We are weak and easy to target. We love too easily and break without a struggle. We brought this on ourselves, so now we can't blame Fate or InuYasha. It's our own damn fault we are in this situation. All of the Kagome's seem to agree on this, and our attention focusses on our weakness.

The depressed Kagome knows if we were stronger, InuYasha would actually want us. He wouldn't have to go to Kikyo for strength and love. If we were stronger we could give him what he wants.

The angry Kagome bites back saying that we wouldn't even need InuYasha to love us. If we were stronger we would break his heart for once. We wouldn't lower ourselves to scramble after the pathetic scraps of love he threw our way whenever he wanted some entertainment.

All of the separate me's stare at the edge of the cliff, and suddenly we snap into one. I stand up suddenly as clarity comes to me, and I walk right up to the edge of the cliff. A rueful smile crosses my face as I look over the precipice.

I am too weak to keep living this life of mine—this life that demands a strength I lack. I will never have the strength my friends need from me; I will never be the strong mother needed to raise Shippou. I'm weak and damaged—likely shattered beyond repair. Even though I'm not strong enough to keep living, I am strong enough to jump.

I dangle my right foot over the edge and watch as my black loafer slips off and drops through the air. Seconds later I watch my shoe hit the rock and violently burst apart on the sharp ridges. The water cleans away the tiny pieces, leaving no proof of the brutal ending. I know my end would be the same. For a moment I would fly, and then everything would become still. The gentle waters would lap away all that remained of me, and everything would be peaceful once more. Only my lingering scent would be the reminder I was here at all.

Dying would be easy—it's living that is hard. I would be at peace; no more anger, no more fear, no more weakness. No longer would I feel empty and numb. I just wouldn't be. Death would be peaceful. Sure, dying may hurt, but I'll take those few moments of pain over living the rest of my life in this state.

I shift my weight forward, ready to fling myself off the edge and fly, but Shippou's face pops into my mind. My body yanks away from the edge, and I collapse on the stable ground that prolongs my hell instead of granting me peace. My heart screams at me to go over the edge, but my brain says to wait and be logical.

Shippou will probably never forgive me if I kill myself. He would think I abandoned him—he probably wouldn't even know I was dead, just that I never came back for him. No one would really know I was dead. Shippou needs a mother that will love him, and I don't see Kikyo being able to love him like I do.

Then there's Mama and the rest of my family in the future. They will all worry about me, not knowing what happened when InuYasha comes looking for me and I never showed. They wouldn't know I died, and they would wonder for the rest of their lives. I could never make them suffer through that for even a few moments, let alone years. Why make other people suffer when I can just suffer alone?

So I sit on the edge of oblivion, desperately wanting to fling myself into its embrace, but instead I condemn myself to my own little slice of hell so those I love won't suffer. That's irony for you.

A demon's aura flickers on the edge of my senses, undoubtedly summoned by the chunk of jewel around my neck, but I also know the demon will not attack me. The aura stays a safe distance away, curiosity the only emotion currently detectable in the aura. Not even a demon will grant me my dying wish. If I wanted to live, I'm sure the demon would be more than happy to kill me and take off with the jewel.

Hysterical laughter bubbles up in my throat and escapes from my mouth. I sound like a choking hyena, but I cannot stop myself. Forget what I said earlier. Fate must truly be against me. Not even a demon will attack me now that I want to die.

My laughter dissolves into sobs that heave from the bottom of my lungs. Snot and tears run down my face, and soon I'm too exhausted to hold up my body. I curl into a fetal position as the barrage of emotions I held back this entire time breaks loose and runs its course. After this I know I will empty once more, and I welcome the chance to feel nothing. If I have to go back and feel the emotions InuYasha stirs within me, I will take his sword and run it through my gut, transformed or not.

As my tears dry, I feel my emotions stop churning and grow cold. Exhaustion settles in my limbs, so I close my eyes and turn away from the sun. I'm not going to fight my way back to InuYasha's side when he won't even fight to spare my feelings. For now I'm just going to lie here in the body suddenly too heavy to move.

Sometime later I feel my body jostle with the rhythm of somebody picking me up and walking. I don't fight—I just let my heavy limbs sway with each stride. Cracking my eyes open, I look up into Sesshomaru's face. He stares at me with an intense curiosity, and I know I'm probably dreaming. Sesshomaru would never lower himself to touch filth like me. Unless he wanted to kill me.

I left my eyes slip closed once more, not caring what happens to me either way. Once I would have felt shock or surprise at seeing Sesshomaru, but my emotions dried up and I locked up what remains in a cage, never to rule me again. I feel ice surrounding and filling my shattered heart, and I slip into an exhausted sleep.

* * *

A/N: Short chapter, but very important to the plot! I hope that you all like this, because it was hard to write. Leave me a review and tell me what you think.

 **IMPORTANT! PLEASE READ!** I need a beta reader aka editor. I need someone that will tell me what I'm doing wrong so that I can fix it! I edit my own work, but I feel that a fresh eye tends to help. If you are interested or know anyone who might be interested, please send me a message. I would love to make my writing even better for all of the lovely people that read my work!


	4. Chapter 4

The End and Back Again

Chapter 4

I hear murmuring and struggle to open my eyes. My limbs feel heavy with their own weight, and my right shoulder throbs in time with my pulse. A gurgled moan forces its way from my mouth, and the murmuring around me stops. I lose the will to fight and allow sleep to pull me back into the darkness.

Time passes in flickers of people murmuring my name and trying to force liquids down my throat. My flickers escape my mind as soon as my eyes slip shut, and a fitful sleep occupies most of my time.

Only when the flickers and murmurs stop do I surface from sleep, trying to open my eyes. Crusty and swollen, pulling them open is agony and I must do so slowly. The piercing light feels sharp and bright to my tired eyes, but once they finally adjust, I don't see the blue sky or grey lake I expect. Instead the thatched roof of Kaede's hut greets me.

Staring at the ceiling, I scan my brain for clues as to how I ended up here. The last things I remember consist of InuYasha, Kikyo, and my time at the lake. I didn't walk here, and if I did, I have no recollection of doing so. Thinking back, certainty fills my being, and I know I didn't drag myself back here and just forget about the ordeal. Someone else brought me here, but I can't remember who.

Midday light flickers in through the window, stirring the dust motes, and I notice the complete absence of people. The old Kagome would possibly feel fear, anger, or confusion, but I just accept the fact that I'm alone. I don't really care that my friends aren't here at the moment—this just means I don't have to pretend to be happy. That Kagome died.

Sure, part of me wants to know how I ended up back here, but curiosity over the matter isn't consuming me. I'm sure my friends will crowd me the minute they discover I'm awake, and my questions will be answered eventually.

Thinking of my friends causes my thoughts to slip to InuYasha. Seeing as I'm sitting in an empty room, I cannot say whether or not he has returned to the village, and my head seems to full of cotton to concentrate on weeding out his aura. I don't know how he will react when he sees me, and I guess the result doesn't matter anyway. The Kagome that once fretted about InuYasha's feelings and thoughts—often times at the expense of her own—no longer exists within this shell. If InuYasha reacts poorly, he gives himself away to the group. If he pretends everything is normal everyone goes on with their lives. Either way the outcome doesn't change the fact that I'm too empty to care.

From the stiffness settled in my limbs, I figure I've been laying here far too long. I push myself into a seated position, the agony of my aching shoulder overpowering the slight pain that comes from stretching sore muscles and the popping of my joints. I do my best to ignore the aching of my shoulder and focus on getting the shreds of my life together. Standing, I see I only have on my left shoe. In confusion I look around the dark inside of the hut until I remember I don't have a right shoe. All that remains are the bits left at the bottom of a cliff. I shrug off the shoe and kick it to the corner, seeing no point in wearing only one shoe.

I walk to the flap that makes Kaede's door, but stop before I push it aside. Outside I can hear my friend's locked in a heated debate. Obviously, they have no idea that I'm awake—if they even suspected I could hear them, they would stop this conversation in fear that I may over hear and become upset. Old Kagome would be an emotional mess undoubtedly, but I can't find the old stirrings of emotion that once brought me to ruins.

"We should have been there for her! Obviously something happened when she came out of the well!"

"Sango, dear, do not blame yourself for this. Kagome has traveled with us for a long time now and was more than capable of the trek to and from the well. Besides, we had no way of knowing she would return to us early." I hear Miroku respond.

"But you saw her! She looks terrible! Something must have attacked her, and we were safe in the village when it happened! We should have been there to help her!" Sango laments before I hear her burst into sobs.

"Soothe ye fears. Aside from the odd cuts, scratches, and bruises, Kagome is physically fine. All of ye have been through worse and lived." Somehow, Kaede, I don't think what I'm doing is considered living. I'm just surviving.

"Then why isn't she waking up?" I hear Shippou ask.

"Physically Kagome may be fine, but I suspect she went through something emotionally devastating—something that changed the girl. When I saw her, something was off; her aura had changed. I believe Kagome underwent some great change and she will be different from the miko ye knew."

"If this is the case, I truly wonder what happened to Kagome," I hear Miroku say after a quiet moment. "Whatever happened must have been unimaginably horrible if Sesshomaru carried Kagome back."

I process the information, the barest hint of shock rising at the news. Sesshomaru carried me back, which means he was likely the aura I sensed on the cliff. How much he saw, I cannot say. Judging by the amount of questions my friends have, he didn't tell much to the group; I doubt he would. Sesshomaru isn't the talkative type of demon.

"That makes me feel worse," Sango responds. "She should have been with the people that love her—not with Sesshomaru. He wouldn't know love if it round-house kicked him in the face! We should have known she was in trouble!"

"How the hell were we supposed to know she was coming home early? This ain't no one's fault, so why don't we drop it? She's here and safe for now."

"Sure, InuYasha. We're equally to blame in this situation. Still, I won't stop you from trying to convince yourself differently," I think to myself.

"You want to drop this?" Sango spits. I hear rustling, and I know she's about to give InuYasha one of the more violent pieces of her mind. "I thought you loved Kagome. You don't seem the least bit concerned about her well-being. If you really love her, you should be in there by her side!" Sango's voice rises in volume until she is screaming at InuYasha.

"Any other time you pick up on her scent with that nose of yours! What could you be doing that had you so distracted from the woman you love? I'm beating myself up right now, but maybe you should be the one acting so bent up about this!"

I ignore the intense pain still radiating from my shoulder and quickly push the flap aside. Miroku is restraining Sango, and his mouth is open as if he is about to speak. I beat him to the punch.

"Guys, that is enough!" I say from my place in the doorway. All the tension melts from the air as the focus turns to me. Sango sags against Miroku I relief, and he helps her sit. InuYasha comes to my side and attempts to help me, but I shrug him off and instead sit by Sango on the ground. InuYasha has the audacity to seem hurt, but I ignore him. This exchange doesn't go unnoticed by our friends.

"Mom, what's going on?" Shippou asks, crawling into my lap and looking at the adults around him. I run my fingers through his bangs, still managing to find some comfort in the action.

"Shippou honey, InuYasha and I are no longer together," I answer.

"Kagome!" InuYasha starts, but my blank look freezes him in place. His ears press against his skull as he backs away slowly, and he can't meet my eyes.

"Kagome? What happened? Are you okay?" Sango puts her hand on my left shoulder, looking into my dull eyes with hers that still sparkle with warmth under her concern for me. Whatever she sees in my blue depths causes the worry to grow, so I turn from her.

"There was a conflict of interests. InuYasha and I just don't belong together, and I'm good. It's better this way, really." I give a hollow smile, trying to placate my friends, but even I know that this seems like a poor mockery of the girl I once was. Miroku actually flinches away from me, so I quickly drop the act.

"Is that why you came back hurt? Because of InuYasha I mean?" Shippou asks hesitantly.

"No, what happened to me is because of my own foolishness," I answer honestly.

Having my heart broken was my own fault. Running through the forest because of my emotions. Not having the strength to end my pain, but not having the strength to really live either. All that came after InuYasha and Kikyo is my fault because I was a weak idiot, but no more.

"Kagome, are you sure there isn't more to the story? You and InuYasha can't simply be over," Miroku states.

"But we are. We wanted different things, and that's all there is to tell. We are done being the loving couple, and I'm done discussing this issue."

"Do you have anything more to add?" Miroku asks icily, leveling a glare and InuYasha. In response he lowers his eyes, pressing his ears flat to his skull.

"That's what I thought." Miroku stares down InuYasha for a moment before turning to me with a large smile plastered to his face. "Now that's been addressed, why don't we eat? You must be starving, Kagome!"

The rest of the day I allow my friends to fret over me. When they tell me to eat, I force the stew into a stomach that doesn't want food without argument. When Sango suggests we bathe in the river, I quietly follow her. When Shippou says I look tired and suggests that I turn in early, I go down without a fight, even though I have no desire to sleep.

Sango checks on me thirty minutes later, and I hear her slip out of the hut and return to the group.

"I'm pretty sure she's asleep already," murmurs Sango. I hear a sliding noise, and I know she's sitting right outside the entrance.

"She really did look tired. She smelled different too," Shippou supplies when the silence becomes oppressive.

"I believe that Kaede was correct when she said Kagome went through something very transformative, and I cannot yet see how this will influence her in the time to come. Right now, she needs her friends. All of us," Miroku seems to direct towards someone.

"I hear ya," InuYasha grumbles, knowing the last comment was pointed to him. "I'm not gonna give up on the wench just because we aren't together anymore. She's still my best friend no matter what happens."

"What did happen? If we know, maybe we can help Kagome," Sango says.

"I'm an ass," InuYasha admits after a moment.

"We already knew that," Shippou responds gleefully.

"I don't want you guys to throw a bitch fit and end up hating me," InuYasha admits.

"InuYasha, you are our friend as much as we are Kagome's- whatever happened isn't going to make us hate you. We just want both of our friends to be happy." When Miroku's hand isn't getting him into trouble, he really is wise. Sometimes I think he's the best of us all.

"Kikyo came back to me, promising to be better. I love her enough to let her try. Kagome saw us before I could tell her I picked Kikyo. She ran, and I tried to follow her, but she put up a barrier. I hate that I hurt her, but I can't just change my mind—I lost that right when I picked Kikyo."

Even InuYasha, my gruff and hardened almost lover now expresses an uncharacteristic amount of emotions. Lying in the darkness and listening to his words, I can't help but feel that we've swapped emotional ranges.

"Ah, now I understand," Miroku says quietly. "I don't think what you did was right, but I don't hate you. I think you'll come to see this as a horrible mistake, but I'm still your friend."

"Me too," Shippou and Sango say in turn.

"This only leaves us with the questions of what happened to Kagome after she made the barrier and why Sesshomaru carried her back."

"I don't like the thought of that bastard touching her," InuYasha growls.

"I'm not entirely comfortable with the thought either, but we have no right to interfere with whatever may happen between those two," states Miroku.

"The hell I don't!" InuYasha practically shouts. Everyone tries to quiet his grumblings, obviously not wanting to wake me.

"Ye are no longer her intended, InuYasha," Kaede reminds as I hear her walk up to the group. She'd been offering prayers for a family whose daughter passed, but now I hear her settle down outside.

"Ye have no say in who that girl gives her affections." Her words effectively silences InuYasha, and the group slips into a thoughtful silence.

"I just can't see Kagome being affectionate to Sesshomaru in that way. Obviously he didn't mean to harm her, otherwise she wouldn't be sleeping safely in the hut. Still, Sesshomaru just seems too cold to love, even for Kagome," shutters Sango.

"Kagome may not be affectionate to anyone in the coming days. Her aura is cracked and dull. She needs to heal, and only time will tell what happens afterwards. We can only provide her with love and support," Kaede stresses, and I hear each one of my friends give their agreement.

My friends move to easier, happier topic before turning in for the night. They all settle in their spots, and I feel as each of their aura adopts the calm of sleep.

Only when I'm left awake do I wrap my arms around my legs and let the silent sobs shake my body. The painful emptiness chews at my soul, and I hate myself even more. I am not worthy of my friends' love and concern. I don't deserve their kindness. I feel this truth ringing through my hollow vessel as I sob myself to sleep.

* * *

 **Original Posting Date: September 13, 2015**

 **A/N: I hope that you all like this chapter! I was hoping to have it out sooner, but my course load just won't allow for that! Tis the sad truth of college! Leave me a review, telling me what you think of my little story so far!**

 **HUGE thanks to Ashley G. for editing this and getting it back to me so quickly! You do an amazing job and I'm so thankful for you!**


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